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Most of the women I know told me, "Vicky," that's my nickname, "you should have a baby. It will give your life meaning" but I had seen enough of delivery rooms to know that was not for me. No, I just don't think loneliness is a good enough reason to bring a child into this world. I do know that whatever gene it is that makes a woman a mother, I didn't seem to have it; and, in my mind, that effectively rules out adoption.But the awful loneliness, no amount of sex ever seemed to make go away. And trust me, I tried. For a while, I was dating almost anyone who asked me out. I finally stopped after I had to litterly beat one asshole off with 'The Club' I used to lock my steering wheel.He had seemed like a pretty nice guy when he asked me out. When he we suggest we do something retro and go the old Starlight Six Drive Theater, I thought he might turn out to be an interesting date. It was interesting right up to the point he pulled out a bottle of cheap wine and asked me if I wanted a drink. We resumed our silence.Night had fallen, but we continued to sit in the pleasance of darkness, a mild ocean breeze, and twinkling lights that stretched as far as we could see from San Diego to the south and to Oceanside to the north. Despite my best efforts, I started to think about the past and how I had traded pants for dresses. When did my feminine persona really begin? What were its roots? I wasn't sure.My earliest remembrance as a child is sitting on my mother's lap in the kitchen of our San Francisco apartment when I was three or so. The scene is indelibly inscribed in my memory because in it, I am wearing a red pinafore dress with white sox and black patent buckle shoes. There is a ribbon in my curly, blond hair and I have red polish on my fingernails. Was this early display of transvestism my idea or my mother's?I sip my wine, enjoy the darkness, and take comfort in the holding of Madeline's hand. As I do so, another scene from my childhood flashes by from a hidden.
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